Wednesday, December 8, 2010

See No Evil

Growing up, I was never a big fan of super heroes or comic books. I tolerated episodes of Superman, Captain America and Spiderman, but only if nothing else was on tv. My main issue with the super hero concept was the whole do-gooder aspect of it. The thought of having these amazing abilities and putting them to use so unselfishly for the good of all seemed ridiculous to me.

I never dreamed of flying or having super strength to pummel my opponents, although, I'm pretty sure I achieved super speed running from some dudes in jr. high. There was one super power that I did fantasize about though...invisibility.

I spent countless hours of my youth contemplating the amazing feats that I could accomplish if only I could make myself invisible. I wondered how a day with this power would be, just 24 hours was all I wanted. I planned out such a day:

8:00 am - I wake up and I'm invisible, so of course I don't get dressed, because everyone knows that if you're invisible and you get dressed, people will be able to see your clothes.

8:30 am - I walk to the nearest McDonalds, slip unnoticed behind the counter and grab myself a couple egg mcmuffins and hash browns for breakfast, WITHOUT PAYING!

9:00 am - I continue down the block to the house of Melanie, the cute girl that I have a secret crush on but pretend to hate because she calls me "Stinky Travis" when she sees me in the halls. Of course, I have timed it just right and as I sneak invisibly into her room, she is undressing to take a shower.

10:00 am - I actually go to school, but not with good intentions. I unleash all sorts of shenanigans on unsuspecting teachers, the Principal and students that I loathe.

1:00 pm - I stroll into the girls locker room after gym class for a little shower show. This is clearly what having super powers is all about!

2:00 pm - I walk to the local bank, slink into the open safe and grab several bags of cash. In my pre-adolescent mind it either somehow did not occur to me that someone would see the "floating" bags of loot, (or mcmuffins, for that matter). Perhaps I conjured up some amazing "cloaking" device for concealing the bags.

The rest of the day went pretty much like this. As you can see, maybe I didn't have the great imagination I thought I did, since I'm pretty sure this was also the plot of some teen movie, like "Zapped" starring Scott Baio.

As an adult, being invisible would never work out. Whenever there was something you didn't want to do or didn't want to help out with you would likely make yourself invisible. This would just piss everyone off and when you showed up again, they'd say, "Where the hell were you?!" I guess the old adage that 90% of the job is just showing up is also true about life.

Now, having yourself cloned...That's the way to go!

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